


trip to the stars

by wingedgods



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, Girls in Love, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Light Angst, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 03:41:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10689036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingedgods/pseuds/wingedgods
Summary: IN A WORLD WHERE MAGIC IS AT WAR,TWO CHILDHOOD FRIENDS, SEPARATED BY INANE HOUSING STANDARDS, REUNITE.SPARKS FLY, BUT CAN THESE GIRLS OVERCOME FEAR AND PREJUDICE?FEATURING SWEATY PALMS, LOLLIPOPS, MAGICAL FINGERNAIL POLISH, AND ANXIETY ABOUT THE FUTURE.





	trip to the stars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [manycoloureddays](https://archiveofourown.org/users/manycoloureddays/gifts).



Padma felt her stomach drop, standing in the general prefects meeting. Internally, she scolded herself for such a dramatic reaction, but she couldn’t help the sense of panic creeping under her skin. Professor McGonagall stood tall in front of all the 6th year prefects, studying their reactions over her glasses. Padma supposed that, if inter-house prefect rounds had to enforced, she had done it in the least dramatic way possible. Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy wouldn’t be shrieking at each other instead of minding the corridors. Instead Ron would wander with her normal partner, Terry Boot, while Hermione Granger would patrol with Ernie Macmillian. Padma had always wondered what on earth Ron and Hermione would talk about, even though through their time at Hogwarts, they seemed almost inseparable. She knew exactly what Ernie and Hermione would talk about, and didn’t envy the endless and insignificant chatter that would follow Hermione during their rounds. Hannah Abbot’s partner was now Draco, a strategic choice that Padma applauded. Hannah was quiet and reserved, true, but Padma had seen her during the DA meetings. Hannah was tough as nails, and would take no bullshit for Draco. All in all, Professor McGonagall had moved her perfects carefully around a chessboard, encouraging inter-house relations without causing chaos. But that still left Padma partnered with the Slytherin girl who, after an initial overreaction to being separated from Draco, stood head facing McGonagall, face emotionless, but Padma could feel herself being watched from the corner of Pansy Parkinson’s eyes. It had been years since they walked together, and Padma suppressed the urge to shiver nervously.

Padma lost track of the McGonagall’s instructions, eyes fixed on Pansy. The purple clips that pulled her wavy black hair out of her face, matching purple eyeshadow framing her eyes. She wore her shirt unbuttoned at the top, her collar bones showing, and sleeves rolled up. Padma’s eyes followed along Pansy’s curves, the way the shirt clung at her breasts, the green plaid skirt hugging her hips, her slender legs with the just barest sign of hairs. Padma flushed and looked back at the professor, feeling as though she stared too look something forbidden. Pansy looked so different now, all grown up. She wondered what Pansy saw when she looked at her. Did she look different too?

“Miss Parkinson and Miss Patil, you two shall be doing your rounds Tuesdays and every 3rd Friday. Is that acceptable to your schedule?” They both nodded. As Professor went through the list, she saw Pansy make eye contact with Draco, and pout exaggeratedly at him. He seemed nonplussed by the separation, but Draco Malfoy’s emotions ever seemed to be haughty or taunting.

McGonagall ended the meeting, and out of habit, the prefects separated by house. Padma walked back with Anthony, supposing McGonagall was attempting to challenge that exact habit. House alignment, cliques separated by a common room and color scheme. Outside of other Ravenclaws, the only student Padma really spoke regularly to was her sister and her sister’s best friend. In the face of Daily Prophet headlines and the atmosphere of fear throughout the castle, integrated communities seemed like a worthy endeavor.

“Absolutely ridiculous, isn’t it?” Anthony huffed. Padma shrugged. “At least I got Ron, he’s the good sort.” Padma assumed they would talk about Quidditch. What else did they have to talk about. “Don’t envy Hannah though, working with that pompous ass.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Draco learned not to get on the wrong side of a Hufflepuff by the end of their first patrol.” Anthony nodded in agreement.

“Don’t envy you either, Parkinson is a bitch.”

“Don’t use that word.” Bitch made Padma’s skin crawl. A nasty word, a word that separated good girls and bad girls, as if such categories really existed. Anthony glanced at her surprised.

“Sorry I guess. Just mean, Parkinson isn’t exactly the nicest person, you know?” She couldn’t fault him that.

“It’s only once a week.” Once a week. Padma’s forehead furrowed as she tried to remember that last time she walked with Pansy alone. It must have been a summer day.

“Have you done the reading for Muggle Studies yet? I can’t for the life of me understand how these cell phone things work.” Pansy disappeared from Padma’s mind as she excitedly began talking about satellites and cell phone towers.

~*~

“Parkinson? You have to do patrols with Parkinson?” Sue sputtered as Padma told her about the previous evening at breakfast. “Why on earth?”          

“McGonagall is trying to encourage inter-house relations I think. And since we are supposed to be examples of good behavior…” Sue snorted.

“If you mean examples of not getting caught behaving badly.” Padma winked dramatically, and the two girls laughed. Sue caught her breathe, then looked over at the Slytherin table thoughtfully.

“You and Parkinson used to be friends, right?” Padma poked at her eggs.

“You know we were.” Sue put her hand on Padma’s shoulder.

“Is this going to be okay?” Padma rolled her eyes. “I remember how upset you were first year when she stopped talking to you. Don’t pretend you weren’t.”

“I was eleven, it hardly matters now.” It had hurt, losing Pansy. Padma had felt so isolated those first weeks, separated from her twin when Parvati was sorted into Gryffindor. Pansy ignoring her for her Slytherin friends broke her heart, as much as an eleven-year old’s heart can break. “Come on stop being so dramatic. It’s only once a week anyway.” Sue sighed, but let the conversation slide, instead joining a side conversation on The Weird Sister’s new album. Padma looked across the hall at the Slytherin table, but didn’t see Pansy eating. Today was Tuesday.

Padma didn’t spend the day dreading that evening. She spent Charms brainstorming spells that could enable different types of breathing, Transfiguration asking if organs could be transformed the way Animagus bodies could be, and History of Magic doodling stars in the margins of her note. Other Ravenclaws occasionally came up to offer voices of support over being partnered with Parkinson, so Padma spent study hall discussing with Sue what to put into Anthony’s bed, Sue campaigning to make it rain inside his bed while Padma leaned towards her back up stash of Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes Creepy Crawlies.

Around dinner Padma let herself become nervous. Her fingers drummed against the table, and she bit her cheek to force herself to not glance around. She knew what Pansy looked like at dinner, she didn’t need to look. She could feel Sue’s eyes on her, and appreciated her friend silently moving closer, a subtle comfort.

She spent some time in the prefects’ bathroom, studying her reflection in the mirror. She hadn’t noticed the ink stain on her tie, or that her shirt had become partially untucked. She pulled her hair into a messy bun, and then made faces in the mirror, scrunching up her nose and sticking out her tongue. Tucking her shirt in, she went outside to wait for Pansy.

Pansy was already there, impatiently posturing against the wall. She looked unimpressed at Padma, who felt the need to blush. Instead, she bit her lip.

“Pansy.”

“Patil.” Padma gestured to the right, and began walking. Pansy followed her, half a step behind. Padma fought the urge to chew on her thumbnail. Parvati had been pestering all summer to break the “disgusting ass habit.” Padma knew it made her look like a scared little girl, and she refused to let Pansy reduce her back down to that.

They walked in silence. Padma counted steps, glancing around the halls as they patrolled. Pansy’s long legs stretching until they walked in step, and the hairs on Padma’s arm stood on edge at the proximity.

“This is boring.” Padma looked over at the Slytherin girl.

“I mean, you’re not wrong?” But when was patrolling ever interesting? They walked a few more steps in awkward silence.

“Have you started the Potions essay?”

“No.” Pansy sighed.

“Look I’d rather not be bored on these patrols every week can you at least try to make conversation.” Padma gnawed at her lip, and Pansy sighed. They walked a few more moments before Padma spoke up.

“I usually write essays the night before.” Pansy snorted.

“Some much for the Ravenclaw work ethic.” Padma didn’t bother to point out the Hufflepuffs were the ones known for their excellent work ethic. “Why do I always see you in the library then?”

“Research.” Padma puzzled over when she had ever seen Pansy in the library. She supposed that she wasn’t always aware of her surrounding when she was researching.

“ _Researching_.” Pansy mocked. Padma scowled at her. “What do you research if not homework?”

“Actually, interesting things. Half our projects are so boring, its tedious to studying them. Like turning water into vinegar, why do I need to write 3 feet on how to transfigure that?” Pansy laughed. Her laugh had change since they were little, a high pitch giggle. Padma wondered if Pansy still got the hiccups every other day.

“So, what is interesting to research then?” Padma shrugged.

“Stuff.” Pansy huffed, annoyed. Padma felt guilty shutting the conversation down, but her research was personal. Parvati didn’t even know about some of it. Padma tried to think of a way to keep the conversation going.

“Are you struggling with the Potions essay?” Pansy shrugged.

“Not really. I’ve only just started, but the Hiccoughing Potion seems straight forward enough.”

“Me and some friends learned how to do it 4th year, it’s not too bad.” Pansy looked at her.

“Why on earth would you do that?” Padma grinned.

“It’s an excellent prank.” Pansy laughed out loud again, Padma feeling extraordinarily proud of herself.

“Oh, god please tell me you used it on Goldstein, the boy is so self-righteous.” Padma shook her head, rolling her eye.

“No, but I did just put some of the Weasley Creepy Crawlies in his bed.” Pansy side eyed her.

“Taking the easy route out Patil?” Padma wished Pansy would use her first name. Rather than saying that, Padma just gave her a crooked smile.

“You should hear him shriek.” Pansy grinned wickedly, but did not laugh, to Padma’s disappointment.

“I once did the sardine charm on Draco. Should have seen him squeal.” Padma looked up startled.

“Mean thing to do to your boyfriend, isn’t it?” Pansy shrugged.

“He was being a prick.” She glanced over at Padma, then down at the ground. “Plus, he’s not exactly my boyfriend.”

“Not exactly?” Pansy rolled her eyes, rolling her head over to stare down disapprovingly at Padma.

“Trust a Ravenclaw to fuss over semantics.” Rather than respond, Padma tucked a hair that had escaped from her bun and tucked it behind her ear. 

“Come on Patil, spill on some of your other pranks. I want to hear more about these Ravenclaw shenanigans.”

The rest of the patrol went by quickly, the girls swapping stories and spells. Pansy got a wicked gleam in her eye at the atmospheric charm potential. She confined that Blaise Zabini was very careful to not get his clothes wet, and had annoying habit of stealing quills. Padma made Pansy laugh out loud one more time that night, at her spot-on impression of Anthony. When they reached the end of the patrol, Pansy gave her a crooked smile.

“This wasn’t terrible Patil.” Padma rolled her eyes. She considering pointing out how awkward for one to refer to the other by their first name and the other to use the last name. Instead she said,

“No, not terrible.” Pansy gave her a half smile before walking away, heading downstairs to the basement. Padma watched her walk away, before turning back around and heading towards the Ravenclaw common room.

\--

The next week went by quickly enough, and as predicted, Padma pulled an all-nighter finishing her potions essay. She regretted putting the essay off, as it was due Tuesday. She yawned her way to the perfects meeting spot.

 “You look like shit Patil.” Padma shrugged.

“So, I’ve been told.” Parvati had lectured her on normal sleeping habits and covering up dark circles at lunch, Sue and Lavender nodding their head in agreement. Pansy looked sideways at her.

“You up for patrol?”

“Yes, I napped during study hall. I’ll be fine.” Pansy snorted. “What?”

“You know, it might be a better use of your time to work on essays during study hall and sleep at night. Just a thought.” Padma sleepily waved her hand dismissively, and the girls began their patrol.

“Did you try the atmospheric charm?” Padma wanted to know what Zabini’s reaction had been. Pansy shook her head.

“No I haven’t had time to work on it. But I did manage to make a small sample of the Hiccoughing Potion…” Padma clapped her hands.

“Please do it where I can see the results.”

“Obviously, I’m going to do it in public.” Pansy leaned in close to whisper in Padma’s ear. “Blaise is not a morning person.” Padma squashed the urge to shiver, and instead waggled her eyebrows at Pansy.

“Oh, this is going to be good.” Pansy winked at her.

“Best part? Potions class is the last class of the day.” The girls snickered, playfully bantering back and forth through the halls quietly, the patrol seeming the end faster than usual.

The next morning, Padma had the bite her fist to not laugh hysterically, as she watched Blaise take a long sip from his morning tea. Pansy caught her eye and raised an eyebrow. Padma had to look away at the first sound a hiccup echoing through the hall. When she looked up, Pansy’s face was schooled in innocent worry while Blaise hiccupped, and Padma let out a peal of laughter, causing the entire Ravenclaw table to stare at it in confusion. Padma swore she saw the corners of Pansy’s lips turn up slightly.

\--

The first term disappeared quickly. Weeks turned into months, as Padma juggled NEWTs, her own research, and remembering to shower. Flitwick sent house elves to the common room daily, concerned about the number of students who failed to show up at the great hall for dinner. Padma wanted to kiss the house elf every time he or she brought her a sandwich.

Padma still found herself in the library most of the time, pouring over texts, wrapping herself in a sweater when December rolled around. She was convinced that she was slowly winning over Madam Pince, who only shushed her once a day and occasionally handed her scraps of paper with titles written on them. The latest book Madam Pince had recommended was a special pleasure. Padma ran her fingers up and down the page as she read, taking notes as she went.

She paused her reading when she felt a body brush up against her. She looked up just as Pansy leaned over her shoulder to peek at the book. Padma hurriedly shut the book, causing Pansy to wrinkle her nose and then stick out her tongue at Padma. Padma returned the gesture, as she carefully edged the book out of view. Pansy, rolling her eyes, hip-checked Padma and mouthed, “See you later,” before sauntering to the other side of the library. Padma watched her walk, her hips swaying with her step. Something about the way Pansy moved hypnotized Padma, making her palms sweat and face flush. It happened often on patrols, making Padma feel both warm and guilty at the same time. As she re-opened the text, she imagined the feel Pansy sitting next together, their hips pressed up against each other. She closed her eyes, and remembered the sensation of Pansy leaning over her, of bumping into her. Would Pansy sitting next to her feel that way to? Would their elbows bump each other as they worked? Would Pansy give her that sweet half smile, the one where the corners of her lips just barely turn up, the one that Padma loved to see every blue moon when they patrolled the halls together.

Padma shook her head and returned to her book, chastising herself. Pansy always sat with Slytherins, in the library and everywhere else. It was silly to think about things, especially when she wanted to read as much of the text as possible before heading home for Christmas. She dove back in, reading the words until the world around her disappeared and only the stars and planets existed. She read and read until a hand rested on her shoulder. She jumped, and looked up expecting to see Pansy again. Instead it was Madam Pince, staring down at Padma over her glasses. She tapped her watch, and Padma looked at its face, startled by late it was. She had missed dinner and should already be heading over to meet Pansy. She frantically started packing her things, and pushed the text over to Madam Pince, who shook her head and pushed it back towards Padma. Padma couldn’t stop her wide smile, but she did restrain herself from hugging the prickly librarian. Mouthing “thank you,” Padma pushed her chair and all but ran to the patrol start place.

Pansy stood there waiting, pushing at cuticles, bored, when Padma arrived, panting. She smirked at Padma, waiting for her to catch her breath.

“And where have you been? I was about ready to report to McGonagall.” Padma gestured rudely at her, which just made the Slytherin girl cackle.

“You missed dinner, didn’t you?” Padma nodded, and started to ask if she would mind stopping by the kitchens for a moment, when Pansy handed her a sandwich wrapped in napkins. Padma barely said thanks, before taking a huge bite from it. Pansy snorted.

“Swiped it at dinner, when I saw you weren’t at the Ravenclaw table. Figured your nose was still in that book.” She gestured at the one Padma currently held. “Did you swipe it when Pince wasn’t looking?” Padma snorted, swallowing her food before replying:

“Like anyone could pull of that feat.” Pansy nodded as Padma took another bite and sandwich. They meandered along their way, as Padma gobbled up the rest of the sandwich.

“Thanks for that again. My stomach would have been grumbling the entire patrol otherwise.”

“Well, I did it for myself. Can’t be driven crazy listening to your stomach all night.” Padma chuckled. Pansy looked sideways at her, and the book she carried. “I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what that book is?”

Padma worried her lip. Pansy had been begging her all term to tell her about Padma’s research. Her fingers drummed along the book cover, as she studied Pansy, who was pouting dramatically. Wordlessly, she handed the book over to Pansy, who blinked, confused, clearly assuming her ploy would be unsuccessful. She carefully took the book from Padma, handling it careful like it was something precious, making Padma’s heart skip a beat.

“ _A Brief History of Time_?” Pansy asked, slowing to a stop and studying the cover. Padma stopped too, shrugging her shoulders.

“It’s a muggle book.” Pansy furrowed her brow.

“Are you reading it for Muggle Studies?”

“No.” Padma fiddled with her hands, wishing she had pockets to shove them into. She stared at her feet, waiting for Pansy to respond. Seconds ticked by, feeling endlessly slow. She finally looked up as saw Pansy’s nose scrunched up as she read the back of the book.

“It sounds confusing?” Padma shrugged her shoulders.

“It is. He uses a lot of Muggle words I don’t understand, and the equations are super different than the ones we study in Arithmancy. But it’s super interesting! Madam Pince is even letting me take it home for break, which she almost never does with Muggle books because they are so hard to get ahold of it.” Pansy handed the book back to Padma, and then started walking again. Padma followed her, trying to match pace with Pansy’s long strides.

“Why are you reading it then?” Padma waved her hands, trying to think of the right words.

“He writes about all these things that wizards don’t even both to think about, like how the earth even began! And he writes all this stuff about space, and stars, and these things called black holes? It’s amazing!” Pansy looked sideways at her.

“What exactly are you researching?”

“Promise not to laugh.”

“No.” Padma laughed, not surprised by Pansy’s answer.

“Outer Space.” Pansy cocked her head. “There’s so much more to know then what they teach us in Astronomy? Did you know that muggles have actually put people on the moon? Like actual Muggles have put their feet down and walked on the surface of the moon? Isn’t that amazing?” Pansy shook her head.

“There’s no way that’s true.” Padma nodded excitedly.

“It’s true. They built these rocket ships, and they’ve sent all the satellite dishes up there! There’s muggles called astronauts whose entire jobs are going to into space.” Padma sighed. “Can you imagine how amazing that would be.”

“What’s the point?” Padma looked at Pansy wide-eyed.

“What’s the point? Can you imagine getting to walk on the surface of the moon, or fly by Mars? We look at all these little dots in the sky, but we could be the ones in the sky.” Padma smiled wistfully.

“So, what are you going to do, join the muggles?” Pansy’s words seemed dismissive, but her tone sounded genuinely curious.

“I don’t know. I’ve been researching how different spells can be adapted to be used in space, like ones to would let us breathe even though there’s no oxygen on earth. But then again, how do we even know if magic works in space? We don’t really know where magic comes from, so maybe it only works here on earth!” Pansy rubbed her forehead.

“No one knows how to give someone a headache like a Ravenclaw.” Padma blushed, curling her fingers into the fabric of her skirt.

“Sorry I know it’s dull.” Pansy shook her head.

“No Patil it’s anything but dull. I just can’t even figure out how you come up with this shit, much less research it.” Her tone sounded almost admiring, and Padma found herself flushing all over again.

“I don’t really know either. But I’m hoping to keep studying it. Professor Sinistra has given me some ideas of places to work and research around the world, and Professor Flitwick has helped me look into Muggle universities, which would be interesting to study in but is super hard to do because you need all these forms for applying that we don’t have and they have all these subjects we don’t study and I’m really boring you aren’t I?” Padma put her face in her hands, as Pansy giggled.

“You really aren’t. I just amazed you have all these plans and ideas for the future.” Padma looked up.

“Don’t you have ideas for what you’d like to do in the future.” Pansy shrugged.

“I guess I can’t really imagine much of a future.” The mood changed very quickly. The girls walked in silence, carefully not looking at each other. Padma thought about the headlines every morning, and about the knot in her stomach she had been frantically ignoring. She glanced over at Pansy, whose face was blank.

“Isn’t there anything you’re excited for?” Pansy snorted.

“I know enough things to know the future isn’t something to look forward to.” Padma stared at her.

“What do you know?” Pansy flinched.

“Forget it Patil. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m just going to do whatever is planned for me, just as I’ve always done.” Padma stopped in tracks and grabbed Pansy’s hand, causing the taller girl to stop as well.

“No, you won’t.” Padma didn’t know what prompted her to say that, or why she believed it so strongly. Pansy looked down at their entwined hands, then back up at Padma, eyes downcast. Padma wanted to cradle her face in her hands, to massage away her worried looks, and to softly kiss her on the mouth.

Giggles down a corridor made the girls break away, stopping the prolonged eye contact. Padma’s heart raced, as they found a pair of 1st year Gryffindors and sent them back to their common rooms. Pansy turned back around, sneering in her exaggerated way.

“It’s always Gryffindors, isn’t it?” They walked in silence for the rest of the patrol, Padma staring at her feet, consider the moment that had transpired between them.

\--

When they arrived home, Padma and Parvati’s parents hugged them tightly, holding onto them a beat too long. Padma worried for a minute that there was bad news, but eventually their mother and father let go and told the girls to go unpack.

The two of them still shared a room back home. Parvati would whine about it over summer holiday, but both preferred the comfort of having each other in the room at night. The first few weeks that past summer, Parvati had climbed into Padma’s bed at night. They’d wrap their arms around each other, trying not to think about Harry’s arms around Cedric’s body. That terror they felt under their skin after that day never left, but they learned to live with it.

Days went by in a tense silence. Their parents would whisper to each other, their posture constantly on alert. Parvati tried to break the tension in the house, telling stories and jokes, but soon stopped when she only got absent smiles. She started picking fights over everything from not being allowed to visit Lavender by herself to being asked to wash the dishes.

“Can’t you stop?” Padma asked her, one afternoon, after a blowout fight about going to Diagon Alley. “You know they wouldn’t let you go without them, and you know exactly why. Why did you even ask?” Parvati was sitting with her back again Padma’s bed, painting her nails purple. Padma had been trying to read lying down, but couldn’t concentrate on her book.

“It’s better than nothing.” Parvati hunched her shoulders over, still painting her nails. Padma let out a frustrated noise.

“What do you mean nothing?”

“I mean nothing Padma. I’m tired of them pretending nothing is wrong, of ignoring us right in front of them while they read the newspaper, of not hearing us when we speak.”

“They’re scared, there’s a lot going on right now.” Parvati threw her hands in the air, nail polish flinging off the brush and across the floor.

“I’m scared and I could really use my parents right now.” She sounded like she was crying. Padma silently got off the bed, and grabbed a towel, wiping the purple polish off the wood floor before it dried. She looked up, watching her sister angrily wipe her tears away.

“Paint my nails?” Padma knew Parvati didn’t like to be touched when she cried like this, that she hated being seen like this. Parvati nodded, grabbing the dark blue polish that was Padma’s favorite. Padma stuck her left foot out and rested her chin on her knee, watching her sister as she carefully applied the color.

“You can talk to me right now.” Parvati look up at her.

“Padma, I know you. You are everyone’s support system, the one everyone goes to. I’m not going to be one more person unloading her feelings on to you.”

“You are my sister, you are the only one who matters.” Padma knew that people trusted her to vent. Sue did it, the younger Ravenclaws did, even the boys did. Padma didn’t mind. Parvati smiled.

“You need someone to unload onto too. You can’t hold it all in.”

“I’m fine.” She was. The newspapers made her shoulders tense sure, her stomach cramped constantly, and her skin crawled with anxiety all the time, but Padma had reasoned with herself that it was completely normal. She was fine.

“No, you’re not.” Parvati, screwed the cap back of the nail polish, and looked at his sister. It was a stalemate, the two of them looking into each other’s eyes, not moving. Padma tried to read her twin’s mind, but came up short. Parvati sighed and grabbed her hand.

“You know I love you?” Padma smiled.                                                                                                                                              

“I love you too. Always.” Parvati grinned, then got up.

“Want to exchange gifts?” Padma nodded. Their family didn’t celebrate Christmas, but Parvati and she had started giving each a gift each winter holiday, to counter the gifts most of their friends bragged about receiving. Something small, to make each other smile. Padma reached under her bed to grab the little wrapped gift while Parvati pulled one out of her dresser.

Padma unwrapped her gift first, and held it up to the light. It was a bottle of nail polish, the color shifting from silvers and blues and pinks.

“It mimics space.” Padma instantly unscrewed the bottle, and brushed the paint along her thumb nail. A little galaxy contracted along the nail, stars twinkling around it.

“It’s beautiful.” Padma marveled at it, then looked sheepishly at Parvati. “My present isn’t nearly this good.” Parvati rolled her eyes as she opened her gift.

“Really?” She held a new pack of tarot cards, red and gold. The faces painted on them sneered and giggled, Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes written in the top corners. “Parody cards?” Padma grinned at her twin, who shoved her shoulder while laughing.

“Come on, hand over the nail polish. I’ll do your hands.” Padma handed over the bottle, and watched her sister paint galaxies on her fingers.

“You can talk to me, you know?” Padma bit her lip, not sure of what to say. Her twin blew against the nails, leaving the offer open.

“What do you talk about?” Parvati furrowed her brow.

“What do you mean?” Padma shrugged.

“With Lavender and the other Gryffindor girls. What do you talk about?” Parvati cocked her head, thinking.

“I don’t know, girl stuff.” Padma and Sue talked about pranks, about essays, about the exact color palette of the sky. Sue would talk about the outside world, and Padma would listen. Sue sometimes forgot to ask about Padma, but Padma didn’t feel the need to offer up her fears. No one needed to hear them.  “Classes, what boy has the best ass, Quidditch, how to bullshit an essay.” Parvati eyed her sister. “Why?”

 Padma ran through a list of things she wanted to say. She thought about the fear. She thought about the anxiety. She thought about the numbness that was setting in because she couldn’t handle the emotions anymore. She thought about wanting to kiss Pansy.

“Curious.” Parvati gave Padma a look so reminiscent of their mother, Padma immediately sat a little taller.

“Come on what do you want to tell me?” Padma bit her lip.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Parvati’s lip twisted into a gleeful smile.

“It’s a boy?!” Padma didn’t correct her, just blushed.

“Who?”

“No one, I’m just curious.”

“Bullshit.” Padma felt her muscles tighten, and sweat form on her forehead.

“Forget it.” She went to pull away, but Parvati held onto her wrist, and stroked her thumb, calming her down.

“I kissed that Beauxbatans boy. And snogged Lee Jordan at one of the post-Quidditch parties.” Parvati resumed applying nail polish. “Lee was pretty fun, but I’ve never snogged anyway I was really you know, into?”

“I thought you liked Antoine?” Parvati blew on Padma’s right hand.

“He was pretty.” Padma snorted. Parvati dropped Padma’s finished hand and reached over for the other one. “Has Sue ever kissed anyone?”

“She kissed Michael on a dare once, and she went on a couple dates with a Hufflepuff last year who’s name I can never remember. I assume she’s kissed him.”

“And you?”

“No.” Padma had never been dared to kiss anyone, nor had ever been interested enough in someone to want to kiss them. She pictured the boys in the Ravenclaw tower, imagine wanting to kiss any of them. All she could picture were lips smeared with lip gloss, curved into a half sneer.

“Have you ever wanted to kiss a girl Parvati?” Parvati dropped the nail polish brush, getting paint on the floor for the second time. Padma gulped, but kept staring at her sister, whose mouth was hanging open. “It’s just a question, no need to be so dramatic about it.”

Parvati started laughing, hysterical giggles echoing through their room. Padma squirmed, unsure of how to interpret such a reaction. Did she think she was joking?

“Oh God, mom and dad are going to be so mad.” Padma stiffened.

“Don’t tell them.” She hadn’t even considered that Parvati would tell them, or that her parents would ever have to know. Her palms started sweating, and she felt woozy. Parvati stopped laughing immediately.

“Oh, Merlin no, Padma, of course not, that was the worst thing I could ever say I’m so sorry.” Parvati smacked herself in the face. “Wow I’m actually the worst.” Padma silently agreed.

“Yes Padma, yes I have wanted to kiss a girl. Many girls in fact.” Padma stared at her.

“Are you teasing me?” Parvati shook her head.

“Took me awhile to figure out, but there’s a reason I’ve never found kissing boys particularly fun.”

“Maybe they were just bad at it.” Parvati laughed, Padma grinning shyly.

“Antoine definitely was. Lee’s a good kisser but,” her smile drooped, “He wasn’t who I wanted to be kissing.” Parvati stared at floor, before staring up at Padma.

“When I said mom and dad would be pissed, I meant more that the whole getting grandkids thing would be complicated.” Padma giggled helplessly. She held her breath, trying to regain control over her breathing, but one look at her sister, and Padma fell on to her side, unable to stop the hysterical laughing. Parvati laughed too, doubled over, hands covering her face.

“Girls?” Their mom knocked on their door. “You ok?” She popped her head in. Padma wiped her eyes, refusing to look at her sister as she nodded. Their mom gave them a soft smile. “What are you two giggling about up here?” Padma bit her lip, nervous, while Parvati slowly stopped shaking with laughter. Their mom rolled her eyes. “Fine keep your secrets, troublemakers. Dinner will be ready soon.” She turned and walked down the stairs. The twins sat silently on the flooring staring at the door. Then Parvati hiccupped. The giggles started up again, carrying on after the call for dinner, down the stairs, and to the table, where their parents could not help but grin at their silly daughters.

Lying in bed that night, Padma realized it was the closest to a normal family interaction they had had that entire break.

A couple days later, Parvati, looking up from her half-packed trunk, said, “You know, you never told me who you wanted to kiss.” Padma hummed in response, carefully unfolding and refolding her socks.

“Paaaaddddddaaaaammmmaaaa.” Padma sighed, but refused to look up. She knew the answer wouldn’t be well received, and she wanted to keep Pansy to herself. Wanted only to think of the Pansy she saw on rounds, not the Pansy the rest of the school saw and certainly not the Pansy who hurt her sister as much as she hurt Padma. If she made eye contact, she would break, would spill the secret.

“Padma, who is it?” Parvati flopped on Padma’s bed, giving her puppy eyes. Her bottom lip bulged out comically, quivering dramatically.

“No one Parvati.” Parvati groaned. 

“Come on it can’t be that bad. It’s not like it McGonagall.”

“I bet young McGonagall was a total babe.”

“Do you think McGonagall likes women? Maybe she and Madam Pomfrey are in love.” Parvati trailed off, before shaking her head. “Wait, stop trying to distract me it won’t work!” Padma signed.

“Promise not to freak out.”

“No.” Padma couldn’t help but appreciate Parvati’s honesty. She considered taking the opposite route, and making up a crush. But she couldn’t think of anyone, not one name.

“Pansy.” Parvati said nothing, just stared. Padma kept folding her clothes, smoothing out invisible wrinkles, and refolding shirts when she ran out of ones to pack.

“Pansy.” Parvati’s voice was even, tone neutral; she only sounded like that when she was at her most dangerous. Padma nodded, fingers twitching nervously. She waited for her sister’s words, the anger that she would even talk to Pansy Parkinson again, let alone think about kissing her. She waited, but Parvati said nothing. Parvati slowly rose off Padma’s bed, knelt back in front of her trunk, and began mechanically folding laundry, her lips a thin line. Padma could feel her sister’s emotions radiating out, and felt the need to cry. Instead she closed the trunk, and left the room. She sat herself down on the top step of the staircase, and stared at her nails. The paint was already chipped, but her nails still glittered like starlight.

.

It was a relief to return to Hogwarts after the New Year, to flop onto her bed in the dorms and breath deep. Sue laughed at her.

“What’s with the theatrics?” Padma grumbled into her pillow before turning onto her side. “Come on, you love your family it couldn’t be that bad.”

“It was fine.” Sue rolled her eyes.

“If it was fine you wouldn’t be draping your body over the bed like a Gryffindor.” Padma couldn’t help but chuckle, though it reminded her of the stilted conversation between her and her sister since her confession.

“Just tense. My parents barely noticed we were there, and Parvati spent the entire picking fights with them.” Sue lay down on her bed, across from Padma’s, propping her head up on one arm.

“They scared?”

“Isn’t everyone?” Sue didn’t say anything, just nodded. She looked exhausted, and Padma felt suddenly guilty.

“How’s your mom doing?”

“Terrified. Could barely let me leave her sight.” Sue rolled on to her back. “I’m worried about her on her own.” Sue’s father had died in the first war. A little photograph by Sue’s bed showed a stiff awkward man next to a happily smiling woman old a baby. This past year, Padma had caught Sue looking at more than usual, stroking the frame. Her father always looked so uncomfortable staring out, but his facial expressions softened when he looked down at the baby. Sue’s mom looked so young. The last time Padma had seen Sue’s mom, she had still been all smiles, but her hair was speckled with gray and worry line framed her eyes. Padma worried if more worry lines had formed since then.

They sat there in silence, thinking of home and family. Padma closed her eyes, picturing her mother’s face, so like her and Parvati’s. She still didn’t have any gray in her hair, but her face had become gaunt with exhaustion, and her eyes flickered around nervously, never focusing on Padma when she spoke. Padma felt that knot in her stomach tighten, and she felt nauseous. Sue sat up.

“Come on let’s go downstairs and see everyone.” Padma followed her, and they walked down to the common room. Happy New Years were shared, presents compared, jokes told, but the room’s energy felt subdued, filled with a nervous energy from a holiday spent with scared parents.

\--

“Did you have a nice holiday?” Pansy sighed, rolling her eyes.

“Aren’t you tired of asking that question Patil?” Padma mimicked Pansy’s position, dramatically rolling her eyes as well.

“Aren’t you tired of calling me Patil?” Pansy’s face changed, but Padma couldn’t read the expression, couldn’t guess what Pansy was feeling or thinking. Pansy cleared her throat.

“Aren’t you tired of asking that question, Padma?” Padma felt her entire body fill with warmth, butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

“Just being polite.” Pansy made a sarcastic noise, but a faint flush was visible on her pale skin.

“It was fine. Stressful. You know.” Padma did know. That was the answer everyone was giving. Everyone’s families were scared. The Muggleborns, whose parents were so removed from the wizarding world, had whispered about the inability to relax, and the looks on their parents faces when they tried to explain the looming terror. Padma was suddenly aware of the line she and Pansy walked every day, the line over what side of the war they were on. Padma didn’t know Pansy’s opinions, didn’t even know if she had picked a side; she just knew they were miles apart, even as they walked side by side.

They walked in an awkward silence so like their first patrol. Padma didn’t know how to break to quiet, and restart the conversation. Pansy moved with her usual grace, her face stoic, but her hands twitched nervously. Padma somehow knew the anxiety running through her body was mirrored in Pansy’s body. She tries to imagine what Sue would say, what Parvati would say. But all she could hear was them asking, “why bother.”

“You’re thinking so loudly Padma you’re giving me a headache.” Pansy’s voice was a pitch quieter than usual, but she gave Padma a crooked smile that Padma returned. “Speaking of headaches, did you finish that book you showed me? The muggle one?” Padma nodded. “Come on, tell me about it.” Padma fidgeted, twisting her fingers in her skirt.

“You don’t want to hear about that. It’s pretty dull.” Pansy gave her a small smile, an unexpectedly sweet one that made Padma’s knees go weak.

“I really do Padma.” Hesitatingly, Padma began to talk, trying to explain the ideas of Steven Hawking that she barely understood herself. The words came pouring out of her, the questions, the theories, her own thoughts, the weird dream she had about it that she can’t quite remember but thinks it might have involved Professor Flitwick flying a broomstick through Saturn’s rings. She lost track of time, hands and arms gesturing about, so excited she kept forgetting to take breaths between words and sometimes had to pant mid-sentence. Pansy never said a word, just kept smiling that same sweet smile and Padma knew she would never stop speaking, would give up breathing to keep the words going if it meant she got to see that smile forever. But while infinity exists, forever doesn’t, and the smile faded as they reached the end of their patrol. Outside the prefects’ bathroom, they just stopped and stood there, looking at each other. Padma took slow deep breaths, while Pansy seemed perfectly still. Then she nodded down at Padma’s hands.

“I like your nail polish.” Padma looked down at her fingers. They were galaxies. “I noticed when you gestured they change color, it’s pretty.”

“Thanks. Parvati got it for me.” Padma looked down at her fingers and thought about Parvati’s stony face.

“Hey, what’s that look for?” Pansy’s fingers flexed, like she was resisting the urge to reach out. Padma swallowed.

“Nothing it’s just-” Padma paused, wondering why she was confiding in Pansy. But Pansy looked so sincere and concerned, and Padma wanted to pour out her soul. Instead she just said, “We had a fight is all.” Pansy cocked an eyebrow.

“You two. You fought?” Padma shrugged.

“It’s what sisters do.” Pansy looked unconvinced.

“Not you two thought.” Padma gripped her skirt.

“What would you know? You don’t know anything about us anymore.” She felt angry about being transparent, angry about fighting with Parvati, angry with her, angry with Pansy, angry with the whole world.

Pansy’s face went blank, like a chalkboard wiped clean.

“No, you’re right.” She turned around, walked away. Padma felt instant guilt, the anger redirecting to only herself.

“Pansy wait.”

“I’ll see you next week Patil.” Patil.

Padma walked back to the Ravenclaw common room slowly, one foot in front of the other, moving almost robotically. Her eyes kept filling up with tears that she blinked away. Why was she crying, she can’t enter the common room crying, she can’t let anyone know? Maybe it would be quiet, maybe it would be just a few quiet studiers. It wasn’t.

There were study groups that had given up any semblance of trying to work, a rowdy game of gobstones, and other buzzing activity that made Padma feel dizzy with overstimulation. She moved along the edge of the room, avoiding people’s gazes, heading towards the alcoves. Along the circular tower hid bay windows, one’s where curtains could be drawn and peacefulness found. She looked for an empty one, one she could hide away in and sob.

“Padma?” Sue peeked her head out from a soft blue curtain. “Padma what’s wrong?” Padma started to tremble. Sue pushed the curtain aside to allow Padma space to sit beside her. Padma hesitated for a moment, before sliding in, resting her head against her friend’s lap, and let the tears stream out. She felt fingers in her hair, and soft whispers that seemed untranslatable. Her chest and lungs burned, the tears kept coming, her limbs kept shaking, and her thoughts moved so fast all she could get were glimpses of everything she’d ever done wrong. Arms tightened around her, and she tried to focus on their warmth and their stability.

“Padma breathe with me.” Padma felt Sue’s stomach muscles tense and relax with deep breaths and matched the movements, focusing on moving her abdomen in time with Sue. She felt her breathing even out, felt her limbs relax, her chest unclenches just a fraction. But the thoughts still hurt, and the tears kept coming.

“Padma, talk to me.” Sue’s fingers kept moving through her hair, her dark eyes looking down at Padma, worried and scared. Padma realized the patch of skirt her head was resting on was soaked and moved to sit up. Sue’s arms kept her in place. “Padma it’s ok. You can tell me anything.”

“Can I?” Padma didn’t mean to it out loud. But she had been thinking it for weeks, had lay in bed during the holiday thinking about wanting to kiss Pansy’s lips and if she could ever tell anyone something like that. Sue’s hands stilled, then started moving again.

“Yes.” She sounded so sure, so confident. She had thought it over and concluded that Padma could tell her anything. Padma felt a rush of love for her friend, and made a leap of faith.

“It’s everything.” Sue waited. “It’s the war, it’s my parents, it’s Parvati, it’s-” The name gets stuck in Padma’s mouth, her lips unable to wrap themselves around the sounds, the admission.

“It’s Pansy.” Sue whispered softly. Padma rolled onto her back and looked up at her friend, felt her body tighten with anxiety at the sight of Sue’s tight pursed lips and narrowed eyes. “What did she do?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You come in crying, break down into a panic attack, and I’m not supposed to assume its directly tied to the fact that you had to patrol with her?” Padma wanted to argue, wanted to say it’s not, but it was. The tears, the fears, they all were about Pansy. “What did she say?”

“Patil.” Sue furrowed her brow. “She called me Patil.”

“Padma you’ve lost me.” Padma took a breath, closed her eyes.

“I screwed up Sue.” Sue pulled Padma up out of her lap and positioned her so she sat, crisscross, staring Sue in the eyes.”

“Tell me what happened.”  
“She had called me Padma, for the first time. She smiled, we were getting along, and then I-” Padma rubbed furiously at her eyes. “I ruined it.” Sue placed her hands-on top of Padma’s.

“Tell me.” Padma walked her through the night, about her realization that Pansy’s relationship to the war did not mirror her own, the soft look in Pansy’s face when she watched Padma rave about muggle scientists, the way Pansy froze when Padma lashed out.

“Padma why do you care? It’s just Pansy.” Just Pansy. Just the girl with the snub nose who use to pick flowers for her. The girl who spent an afternoon with her trying to prove she could kiss her elbow. Just the girl who promised they would be friends always, no matter what house they were sorted into. Just the girl who lied. Just the girl who made Padma go weak at the knees, who encouraged Padma to be passionate when others just humored her, who wanted to help. Just Pansy.

“I just do.” Sue cocked her head at Padma, thinking carefully.

“What did you and Parvati fight about?” Padma flinched, turned her head away. “Hey, remember. You can tell me anything.” Padma took a deep breath, and imagined filling herself with her twin’s Gryffindor bravery.

“I told her I wanted to kiss a girl.” Sue started, looking surprised. Padma looked down at her hands.

“Parvati reacted badly to that?” Sue sounded surprised. Padma shook her head.

“It was more the who.”  
“The who?” Sue’s brow furrowed, before the realization dawned on her. “Not her Padma.” Padma felt the tears coming again and hid her face in her hands. She felt Sue’s hand rub her back.

“I’m sorry Padma.” Padma wiped her nose on the back of her hand, and looked up at her friend. “I don’t want to be one more thing that makes you cry.” Perversely that made Padma want to cry more, but she managed a watery smile.  She leaned her head against Sue’s shoulder, who wrapped her arms around her and hummed softly. Padma let herself feel safe, let her friend calm her.

“So, what’s the plan?” Padma looked up at Sue, confused. “Come on Padma you always have a plan. How are you going to apologize?”

“I guess I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” She was too busy thinking ahead to Pansy never speaking her again, to becoming that cold frigid being once again. Sue hummed.

“There’s straight up apologizing, but I doubt Slytherins would ever accept such thing at face value.” Padma snorted. “You could get her a present?”

“What do I even get her? A large flower that says, ‘I’M SORRY I WAS A WANKER PLEASE LET ME KISS YOU.’” Sue started giggling.

“A tube of lipstick that says, ‘LET’S SHARE APOLOGIES AND LIPS.’” Padma cackled.

“That doesn’t even make sense Sue.” Sue shrugged, grinning.

“Made you laughed, didn’t it?” Padma shoved her friend lightly, still laughing. “I don’t know though Padma, you’re the one spending all the time with Pansy, what do you think she’d want?”

“I don’t know.” She thought about Pansy walking in the halls, trying to remember her talking about things she likes, things she enjoys. “She doesn’t really talk about herself much.”

“Really? I guess I pictured that’s all she talks about.” Padma ignored that comment, and tried to think of something. But everything she remembered was always about her, about her research, about her day, her exploits. Then she thought about warm sunny day, toothless smiles, and bright red lips. She smiled.  
“You thought of something?” Padma nodded.

“Yeah I think so.”  
The next Tuesday, Padma nervously chewed her nails as she watched the owls deliver letters. She saw Sarasvati drop the carefully wrapped package on Pansy’s plate, who stared at it confused. Sarasvati nudged at her fingers, and slowly Pansy unwrapped the present. She stared down at the contents, a pile of cherry lollipops, the one s she and Padma spent summers sucking on to turn their tongues red. Petting the owl’s head, Pansy picked one up. Then she looked up, scanning the crowd. When she found Padma, Padma gave her a small smile. Pansy just looked at her, a crease between her eyebrows, still petting Sarasvati.

“Is that a good sign?” Sue whispered, watching the staring match between the two girls. Padma started, and the moment was over, Pansy shooing away the owl and returning to her friends. Padma saw her sneak the candies into her bag.

“We will see.”

When Padma approached the prefect meeting spot, she found Pansy, posed coolly against the wall, her lips bright red from the lollipop in her hand. Padma said nothing, just grinned. Pansy rolled her eyes and started marching forward through their rounds, but the corners of her mouth were turned up, so Padma thought yes, maybe this was a good sign.

\--

Pansy still called her Patil, flinched at mentions of the past, froze at mentions of the future, but she also smiled the moment she would see Padma in halls. She found ways to touch her, clasping Padma’s elbow while they walked, or resting her chin on Padma’s shoulder when no one was around. Padma found herself returning the gestures, bumping shoulders, brushing loose pieces of hair out of Pansy’s face. Sometime Padma found her hands shaking with want to touch, to not just accidentally touch fingers accidentally, but to lace fingers together; to not just touch wild curls but to touch soft lips. She confided in Sue, who egged her on to up the ante, to make a move.

“She’s clearly on the same wave length as you.” Sue gestured towards the table. When Padma looked up, she saw Pansy’s looking at her. She felt her cheeks heat up as Pansy looked away. Sue snorted.

“Shut up Sue.” Sue pouted dramatically. 

“Some thanks I get.” Padma rolled her eyes, before throwing a look over her shoulder at the Gryffindor table behind her.

“Sue, does Parvati look ok?”

“Why are you asking me? You would know best.” Padma chewed on her lip, looking her sister, who stirred her porridge tiredly, not eating. She kept looking over to the right, where Lavender sat, back to Parvati, chattering animatedly to a bored looking Ron.

“She looks sad.” Sue furrowed her eyebrows and looked back at the other Patil.

“She just looks tired to me.” Padma shook her head. Tired Parvati chattered, grumbling about being awake, about breakfast, about dreams, about everything and anything. Sad Parvati just stirred bowls of porridge, keeping to herself.

“How hasn’t Lavender noticed?” If anyone should know if her sister was sad, it was Lavender. Sue shrugged.

“Looks pretty wrapped up in her boyfriend if you asked me.” On cue, Lavender laughed loudly and rested her head against Ron’s shoulder, who looked embarrassed. Parvati grimaced, dropping her spoon and standing up to leave. Oh. Padma jumped up, grabbing her bag. Sue looked startled. “Where are you going?”  
“I’ve got to talk to Parvati.”

“About time.” Padma ignored her friend and chased after her sister.

“Parvati!” Her sister stopped and turned.

“Padma?” Parvati had already made it halfway up the stairs when Padma caught up to her, gasping with breath. “What’s wrong?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing.” Padma said, as her breath evened out. Parvati’s shoulders stiffened slightly.

“I’m fine Padma.” Padma sighed.

“Look I-” Padma didn’t know what to say. Parvati stared down at her hands, fingers picking at skin.  “You didn’t look okay at breakfast. I got worried.” Parvati didn’t look up. They hadn’t talked in over two weeks, since they got back to Hogwarts. Padma had started to make a list of things she wanted to talk about to Parvati once she got up the nerve to confront her sister.

“Want to go to the second floor?” Parvati asked. Padma nodded, and silently they moved together. There was a little spot on the second floor, a set of stairs, off the main corridor, that went nowhere. They had discovered 1st year, stumbling across it when a sanctuary for two sisters in different houses was desperately needed. They settled down on the stairs, and sat there awkwardly.

“I don’t think we’ve ever fought like this before.” Parvati remarked off-handedly.

“Whose fault is that?” Parvati puffed up angrily. “Shit no that’s not what I wanted to say.” Padma rested her forehead against her knees. She felt her sister move, resting her hand against her neck.

“Padma, it’s ok.” When Padma didn’t look up, Parvati began rubbing circles into the back of her neck. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I can’t say I’m happy about her,” She said _Her_ like a bad taste she wanted to spit out of her mouth, “But I shouldn’t have been angry with you.” Her hand stopped moving.

“I’ve missed you.” The last part came out a whisper, and Padma almost began crying. She turned and hugged her sister tightly.

“I’ve missed you too.” Padma could feel a small bit of anxiety unravel inside her, the feeling of relief overwhelming her as she hugged her sister. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you every day since we got back.” Parvati leaned back to give her a smile.

“Me too Padma. Me too.” Parvati rested her head against Padma’s shoulder, taking a deep breath. Padma rested her cheek against her twin’s hair.

“So, Lavender?”

“What about her?” Padma rolled her eyes.

“It’s me Parvati. Don’t lie.” Parvati sighed. She grabbed one Padma’s hands, clasping on to it.

“It’s dumb.” Padma squeezed her hand. “I just… I love her so much you know?”

“Tell me.” Parvati huffed, before sitting up.

“She’s my best friend, you know? I don’t feel around anyone, including you, the way I feel around Lavender. Like I’m safe and dangerous at the same time.” Parvati took a breath. Padma didn’t say anything, just let her twin get the words out. “I want to keep growing with her. I know everything about it, and I want to know everything about her for the rest of my life. She’s my best friend, and I can’t imagine loving anyone else. You know what I mean?” Padma shook her head.

“No I don’t.” Parvati opened her mouth, then closed it, a weird expression crossing her face that Padma couldn’t read. “What?” Parvati shook her head.

“I was going to say, that’s what love is Padma, but I guess I don’t really know what love is so.” Padma saw the olive branch, saw her sister trying to not be judgmental, and it made her angry.

“I’m not you Parvati.” Parvati rolled her eye, tsking.

“I know that-”

“No, you don’t. This isn’t about which house you are in or whether you think astrology is bullshit or not. I’m not in love with my best friend. I’m not sure I’m in love at all. Pansy is not my Lavender. I barely know her, and I can’t really picture being her best friend. That’s because I think about kissing her every time I learn something about her. I want to learn every detail of who she is over time, not all at once. I think that I couldn’t fall in love with her Parvati, but it won’t be the same way or for the same reasons that you fall in love with someone.”

“But why her? Pansy hurt you so badly Padma, don’t pretend she didn’t. She broke your heart first year, why give her another chance. What could she possibly offer you?” Padma closed her eyes, picturing Pansy standing before her, smiling.

“She makes me feel… interesting. Like, she doesn’t just put up with me. She asks questions about what I’m doing, and never seems bored. She laughs at my jokes, and makes me laugh in return. And she does this thing when she smiles where,” Padma shook her head, “It’s amazing Parvati. She smiles and I feel like I could accomplish anything.”

“Wow.” Padma just nodded in response. “Really, Pansy does all that?” Padma groaned.

“Don’t be a wanker.” Parvati laughed, before knocking her shoulder again Padma.

“You’ve got a cruuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh.”

“Oh my god.” Parvati laughed even louder.

“Come on, this is the first time I’ve ever gotten to tease you about crushes.”

“I hate you.” Parvati wrapped her arms around her twin, planting a kiss on her cheek.

“Nope. You love me.” Padma groaned. “So, what’s the plan? You going to ask her out. Go to Hogsmeade, drink tea Madam Puddifoot's?”

“No. I don’t know. Me and Sue are terrible at coming up with these kinds of plans.” Parvati patted her shoulder.

“That’s why you’ve got me sis.”

“Somehow I’m even more worried.”

\--

For the first Tuesday ever, Padma got to the patrol starting point first. Well, she got there twenty minutes early, and paced nervously. Parvati had attempted to coach her in asking someone out, but having had only ever been asked out by people, most of her advice had been what not to do.

 _It’s just Hogsmeade. Even if she’s not interested, maybe she’ll think I just meant as friends and won’t mock me to the entire school and make everyone hate me oh God I’m going to be sick_.

“Padma? Are you ok? You look like you are going to be sick.” Padma looked up, smiling widely at a confused Pansy.

“You called me Padma!” Pansy grimaced and scratched at her arm nervously.

“Well it’s your name, isn’t it?” Padma could hear the fake confidence, but she was too happy to tease Pansy about it. Much.

“Actually, I’m Parvati.” Pansy rolled her eyes.

“Please like I can’t tell you two apart.” She turned around and flounced away. Padma gave herself a moment to watch Pansy’s arse as she walked, admiring the view. “Aren’t you coming?” Padma flushed, embarrassed, and ran to catch up.

“Sorry, are you two ok?” Pansy sounded nervous to ask.

“Yeah, we worked it out.” Pansy nodded. Padma touched her shoulder briefly. “I’m sorry about before. I didn’t mean to snap like that.” Pansy just shrugged awkwardly.

“So, what did you fight about?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” Pansy looked uncomfortable.

“Right. Sorry.”

“We always talk about me. Tell me something about yourself.” Pansy scrunched up her nose.  
“What do you want to know?” Padma shrugged.

“I don’t know. You listen to me ramble about books and outer space all the time. What do you get excited about?” Pansy rubbed at the back of her neck.

“I don’t know Padma. Nothing really.” Padma scoffed.

“Come on Pansy, there has to be something.”

“Lay off Patil, not all of us get excited about weird shit like you.” Padma stopped mid stride. Pansy stopped too, rubbed at her face. “I’m sorry Padma. I didn’t mean that.”

“Sounded like you did.” Padma felt like a petulant child as she spoke, but she still crossed her arms across her chest.

“I didn’t, honest.” Pansy closed her eyes. “You just get so passionate and excited about things, it’s intimidating. I wish I could feel half excited about any part of my life as you did about your research.” Padma put a hand of Pansy’s back, who gave her a small smile.

“I just talk too much, that’s all.” Pansy smacked her arm slightly, rolling her eyes. She started walking again, slowly.

“I like Charms.” Padma smiled.

“Yeah?” Pansy flushed.

“I mean it’s cool I guess.” Padma didn’t say anything. Just cocked her head and waited. “I guess, I like playing with the spells. Coming up with different ideas and well. Yeah.” Pansy seemed so flustered, the natural ooze of confidence gone. “It’s hard to explain.” Padma shrugged.

“I’ve got all evening.” Hesitatingly, Pansy told Padma a little bit about her favorite charms, about ideas for new spells she’d love to make.  Told her about prank spell ideas, and how the ways charms and transfiguration meant different things for objects were just interesting to her. Padma couldn’t stop smiling, watching Pansy talk, cheeks red but arms moving excitedly. It reminded her of Pansy at six years old.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Padma shrugged.

“I like seeing you like this.”

“Like what.”

“Excited. Happy.” Pansy instantly scowled, making Padma laugh. Pansy bit her lip, trying not to laugh as well, but she couldn’t help the little giggle that escaped. The giggle grew into that loud sound Padma remembered so well, especially when she started hiccupping.

“Merlin’s beard.” Pansy grumbled. She took a deep breath and held it, trying to swallow down any hiccups. Padma grinned watching, only to start laughing again when another hiccup escaped.

“If these get any louder McGonagall is going to appear and take points away from Slytherin.”

“Remember that time at the library, where you go the hiccups so loudly the librarian made us leave.” They had been eleven, the last summer before Hogwarts. They had been reading in a little library for wizarding kids. Padma couldn’t remember for the life of her what book they had been reading, but she remembers Pansy with her head on a table, trying to muffle her howling laughter with her arms, only to succumb to equally loud hiccups. They had been escorted outside, and Padma had chased Pansy around the building to scare the hiccups out of her. They had ended up crashing into the heather bushes in front, coming home covered in dirt and little bits of flower in their hair.

“I don’t remember.” Pansy had a strange blank on her face.

“Oh.” Padma felt embarrassed to assume Pansy would remember little details like that. She wanted her to remember.

They walked quietly the rest of the patrol. At the end, Padma didn’t bring up Hogsmeade, just whispered good night.

Padma laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering.  She realized, just as she was drifting off to sleep, that this Friday would be the third Friday of the month.

\--

Friday morning, Padma got a parcel. A tawny owl dropped a small wrapped package on her plate, before flying off. Padma traced its flight, and watched it drop down and land in front of Pansy, who smiled at Padma. Padma looked down, and pulled at the string that held the package together. The paper unfolded, and Padma couldn’t help but gasp a bit. She picked up a set of dried purple flowers, smiling as she twirled a single one between her fingers.

“What is that?” Sue asked, mouth full of toast.

“Heather.”

\--

That evening, Pansy and Padma arrived at the spot at the exact same time. They stopped for a minute, and just smiled at each other. Pansy’s eyes stopped for a moment at a single piece of heather, tucked between Padma’s ear, and blushed.

They meandered along the patrol path, not talking about much. Padma couldn’t stop herself from smiling, but Pansy kept giving her those beautiful half smiles too. They walked slowly, taking as much time as possible. Somehow the patrol seemed to end even faster than usual, and the girls found themselves routed the floor when it came to say good night.

“So.”  
“So.” Pansy pulled on her skirt, looked around their surroundings, before finally looking Padma in the eye.

“Are you tired?” Padma shrugged.

“No really.” Another pause. “Are you?” Pansy shook your head.

“You know, there’s a passageway not too far from here.” Padma knew that. Just around the corner, behind the portrait of the creepy children, a passageway lead outside to the grounds. She would take sometimes when she was late for Care of Magical Creatures.

“Fancy a walk?” Padma grinned, and nodded. Pansy smiled back. She bit her lip, before reaching out and grabbing Padma’s hand. “Come on.”

Pansy lead Padma towards the portrait, where the creepy kids were thankfully sleeping. They carefully opened in, and slipped inside the passageway. They walked in silence, just casting glances at each other, holding hands the entire time. Padma’s hand felt like it was on fire, and she panicked about her palms getting sweaty.

Outside was freezing. The girls wrapped themselves in their cloaks tightly, huddling closely. They wandered a bit, staying close to the walls.

“I guess it might be a bit cold for a walk.” Pansy admitted, her nose bright red. Padma just moved in a little closer.

“Want to sit for a moment before going inside?” Padma asked, pointing out a bench. Pansy shivered, but nodded. They sat, thigh to thigh, looking up at the stars.

“Show me the constellations then.” Padma shrugged.  
“I can never remember their names, that’s why I keep Parvati around.” Pansy laughed, head thrown back. She looked so beautiful, Padma couldn’t stop staring. She looked back at Padma, lips curved upwards, eyes bright. Padma leaned forward, and Pansy met her halfway, lips touching. Padma brought a hand up to cup Pansy’s cheek, holding her face as she kissed her. She pulled back and just looked at Pansy, savoring the warm sensation on her lips. Pansy smiled at her, looking happier then Padma ever remembered seeing her. Then Pansy’s teeth began to chatter.

“We should get you inside.” Padma went to stand up, but Pansy shook her head.  
“I’m fine honestly.” Pansy insisted, despite her shivering. Padma deliberated for a moment, before taking her arm and wrapping it and her cloak around Pansy, who giggled, but still burrowed against the Ravenclaw girl. She rubbed her cold nose against Padma’s neck, making Padma squawk, before leaving a gentle kiss, making Padma’s entire body go warm. Padma kept her arms wrapped around Pansy, resting their heads against each other.

“Where in the stars should we go visit?” Pansy asked, breath tickling Padma’s skin. Padma hummed, before pointing just left of the moon.

“Why there?” Padma shrugged.

“I just pointed randomly. I would happily go anywhere in the stars with you.” Pansy didn’t say anything, just turned her head up for another kiss. Padma gave her the kiss happily, and then another, and another.

Padma held onto Pansy for as long she could, trading kisses and whisper, but eventually she felt herself shivering, and felt her eyes getting heaving. Sleepily, the two girls stoop up from their bench and walked about towards to passage way. They didn’t talk, just held hands, heads down. Inside it felt harder to forgetting everything Padma was afraid to say or thing. And the entrance of the hall, Pansy let go of her hand to pop her head out and check the halls.

“Looks clear. Guess it’s time to say goodnight.” Pansy had that strange stony look on her face again. She took a step back, moved to turn away, but Padma stepped up and cupped her face, stealing one more kiss. Pansy flushed.

“Good night Pansy.” The Slytherin girl leaned in and pecked Padma on the lips.

“Good night Padma.” Pansy whispered, before slipping out. Padma stood in the passageway a moment, raised a hand to touch her mouth. She bit her lip and smiled, before she too moved back into the hall and headed back to her common room.

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently Sue Li was a Ravenclaw girl in the same Hogwarts class as Harry and crew (according to Pottermore) . Padma needed a friend, so I hope you enjoyed my version of Sue. Some times it haunts me how few Hogwarts students we actually know anything about.
> 
> I hope y'all enjoyed this! It was meant to be a small fic has a present for @manycoloureddays (who has excellent hp femslash fics just saying) that turned into a beast. Please leave kudos/comments! Tell me what you think! 
> 
> I'm on tumblr @broromini come chat with me about these angsty girls in love!


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